| "The Kevin excess" by Russell Baker [17 December 1991] People whose memories reach back to Elvis Presley will confirm my testimony that before 1955 there were only three men in America named Kevin. That year, I believe, a large celestial body nearly collided with the Earth. I don't think it was an asteroid. I think it was a kevinoid. As it passed over the United States it must have drenched us with something, probably powerful kappa particles, that set off the Kevin explosion. Science didn't notice. Neither did I until a dear relative recently named his new son Kevin. It was remarkable name for our family, whose culture is Low Wasp. Our name style runs to Harry, Willie, Allen, Gene, Benjamin, Miller, Harvey, and such. This Kevin in the family opened my eyes. Something was in the wind, namely Kevins. Evidence: A big Pacific storm was recently named Kevin. Evidence: In this TV car sales pitch a lout is having so much fun driving his brother-in-law's car that he won't give it back, a boorishness his sister justifies by telling her husband, "You know Kevin." Not content with churning up oceans and highways, Kevins are moving in on baseball. They have placed Kevin Maas on the Yankees, Kevin Kaufman in the Houston Astros farm system, Kevin Mitchell on the San Francisco Giants, Kevin Seitzer on the Kansas City Royals, Kevin Tapani on the Minnesota Twins, Kevin Hickey on the Baltimore Orioles and Kevin Romine on the Boston Red Sox. My son the contractor, who is named Michael, came to visit. Lately I have been wondering if he hates his parents for not naming him Kevin like everybody else. I asked about his work, and he said he was rebuilding a house for a man named Kevin Hale. "Surely you mean Kevin McHale," said I. "No," said he. "Kevin McHale plays basketball for the Boston Celtics. Kevin Hale is the man who lives in this house I'm rebuilding." Speaking of basketball reminded him he had seen a commericial on TV in which Kevin Johnson, a basketball player, showed plenty of bounce, thanks to the sponsor's sneakers. Did I know who Kevin Johnson played for? "Of course not. For basketball you've got to ask Kevin Halberstam. He's the basketball expert." Being nobody's fool, the boy knew I knew that Halberstam was a David, not a Kevin, and that I was merely indulging in ham-handed sarcasm. "Get out of the sports pages for a while and forget Kevins," he said. I decided to do so as soon as I finished the hockey news which was about Kevin Blanchard (played well for the Washington Caps), Kevin Stevens (played well for the Pittsburgh Penguins) and Kevin Dineen (traded by the Hartford Whalers). Whalers reminded me of my favorite high school football team, the Nantucket Whalers, and checking the Nantucket Inquirer and Mirror for a gridiron bulletin I noticed it had a new reporter: Kevin Blanchard. Not to be outdone, The Wall Street Journal had a story from Kevin Goldmann, its media reporter, and The New York Times one from its Albany correspondent, Kevin Sack. Kevin Sack reminded me of Kevin Mack, a running back for the Cleveland Browns. Do they all belong to a Kevin club and sit around arguing politics with Kevin White, former mayor of Boston, and Kevin Phillips, the Republican author and columnist, and talking show business with actors like Kevin Kline, Kevin Bacon, Kevin Costner, Kevin Dobson, Kevin McCarthy and Kevin Nealon while listening to the music of Kevin Eubanks, the jazz guitarist? I can hear them now crying "Break a leg!" when Kevin Heelan, the playwright, and Kevin Rigdon, theatrical scenery designer, open their latest shows in New York. I bet they nag Kevin Sessums, the Fanfair editor of Vanity Fair, to put their names in print. I bet they're proud that Kevin Maxwell has become publisher of The Daily News. I bet they pester Kevin Starr, the historian at the University of Southern California, to write their history. And what of their lawns? Do they get inside tips on how to make their grass roots deeper from Kevin Morris, director of the National Turfgrass Evaluation Program at the National Agriculture Research Center in Beltsville? Speaking of the underground, disembarking at the Times Square shuttle shop the other day I saw a pster urging travelers to bring their problems to the manager of the Times Square Seventh Avenue subway station. His name is Kevin Berry. | |
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