Product Description
From best selling author Darrell Bain, this satirical look at Bill Clinton may politically offend but it's hilariously funny at the same time... This book is a good example of what comes from mixing politics and beer. It resulted from a night of camaraderie and debauchery with my brothers. Sometime during the festivities, one of us thought up the idea of what might happen should a real, though intelligent, Redneck ever get to the White House. We all laughed like crazy at the prospect and had great fun discussing various scenarios and situations. Perhaps we also vented some of our frustration at the labyrinthine entanglements of our present political process and how it works or doesn't work. At any rate, once I sobered up, I thought the idea might make a good book. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

Be very glad MICHAEL doesn't run the country...
The best ideas are the ones that make you wonder why you didn't write them. It's a typical Sunday, and our narrator's watching the NFL with a cold beer, when he suddenly finds himself in the body of President Bob Clayton, in the White House. What would happen if we got a REAL redneck president? He'd quit straddling the fence and take a stand on something, by gum! To quote my Pappy, "Do something even if it's wrong." Darrell has some pretty strong ideas. You might not agree with them all. For example, I could NEVER cheer for the Cowboys over the Redskins. But Darrell opens the floor to debate and discussion, and livens it with his trademark wit. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book.
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Product Description
The Williard brothers are tired of the sedentary life. When one of them falls heir to proof of Bigfoot--or possibly an alien--various government agencies began chasing them and their girlfriends, hoping to recover alien technology, if that's what it is. Deep in the wildest part of The Brooks Mountain Range in Alaska, the chase comes to a head, with the CIA, Russians, NSA and Mafia all vying with the Williard brothers and an Eskimo girl to win the prize. ... Read more

Product Description
When the Williard brothers get going, any resemblance to a real war is purely coincidental! Sgt. James Williard uses his position as the hauncho of a medical dispensary in Vietnam as a base, while he and his crazy medics turn the war zone into a party zone. Williard's two brothers, Jerry, a naval ensign and Jason (Jumpin' Jase) the Marine fighter pilot who regualrly loses 15 million dollar planes join the fun and then it is like no war ever recorded. Wilder than M*A*S*H, a hilarious romp. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

Hold onto your hat!
If you served in Viet Nam you'll recognize the places, people and probably most of the events in this novel. It brings back memories in a way that lets us ease through with a big dose of laughter.Bain puts a lot of himself into his writing, and obviously he was there.A special treat for vets but recommended for anybody who likes good writing, strong images and a wild ride. ... Read more

Product Description
Ed "Boilerroom" Tanner is a scoundrel, a scam artist who makes his living bilking the public. His last partner has in turn swindled him out of all of his money. It is the Christmas season, and as he is walking along the streets of downtown Houston, wondering where he is going to sleep the night, he tosses one of his last coins into a Salvation Army pot, just for luck. Violet, a young Salvation Army woman with the face, figure and voice of a veritable angel thanks him. Immediately, he decides to seek shelter that night at the Salvation Army mission where she works. And thus begins the most unlikely partnership in the most unlikely of endeavors this side of heaven: God's Fan club, where, for a fee, believers vie for the chance to write God and get an answer in the mail. When these two opposites fall in love it is anybody's guess at the outcome, but you will be laughing and crying until the end, rooting first for one and then the other as their affairs become inextricably entangled. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (2)

Absolutely Hysterical!!
Hotline to Heaven is simply hysterical!Parts of the book had me laughing so hard I had tears coming from my eyes.There's some romance, some mystery, an interesting plot, and a lot of publicity for the Salvation Army.All in all, a great book.

Highly recommended
Darrell Bain pushes the envelope of plausibility in this lighthearted, entertaining tale of a con artist and the woman who steals his heart. HOTLINE TO HEAVEN is the story of a con artist who falls victim to his own weaknesses in this humorous tale of love and duplicity.

Ed Tanner just pulled off the greatest con. Too bad that he took a bimbo to Las Vegas to celebrate and she absconded with the money. With very little left in his pockets, Ed drops a quarter into the Salvation Army's coffers and meets the beautiful, extremely innocent Violet. Soon his finds his way to the Salvation Army's shelter, and into the heart of Violet.

Despite other's protests, Violet invests her life savings in Ed's new scheme. While she believes he's sincere, Ed has a brilliant idea to line his pockets yet again. He starts God's Fan Club with Violet at the forefront, looking like an angel. He isn't, however, prepared for his heart to be swept away by the innocent.

Ed introduces Violet to the simple things of life such as pretty clothes, jewelry and alcohol. Soon she finds herself swept away on the publicity and excitement of her new life, completely unaware that the man she loves is planning to leave her high and dry.

While Violet's innocence is almost unbelievable, the sharp contrast she provides to the Ed's world provides the reader with sparkling entertainment. The book is a quick read, with a wonderfully deft voice that leaves the reader quite satisfied by the end. Darrell Bain's cast of characters and fun plot will have the reader looking for more of his work! ... Read more

Product Description
Every year millions of Christmas trees are purchased from choose-and-cutChristmas tree farms. When suburban families load up the kids, grandma, grandpa and all thepets and take off with a complete lack of knowledge of what they're getting into, you have all theingredients for some hilarious stories.What could be so tough about planting and watchingChristmas trees grow? That's what Darrell thought when he came up with the idea of getting ridof the long-horns and planting a forest. Join Darrell and Betty as they move to the country andfind city and country cultures sometimes clash in unexpected ways:

- picture a toddler crawling into a tree baler and coming out wrapped up for Christmas...

- there's more than the scent of pine in the air when Darrell hires his nubile young niece to helpthe "boys" load cars in the parking lot...

- consider what happens when you introduce an enthusiastic Spanish-only speaking laborer toelectric shears with instructions to just "take a little off the edges"...

- if you color-code the price stickers on the trees and your staff doesn't admit they'recolor-blind...

- and more than you ever thought you could possibly know about growing trees...After twenty years in the business, Darrell looks back on this unique, demanding, exasperating,frustrating but ultimately rewarding profession -- the reward comes from the customers,especially the kids, as families search out that perfect tree. His stories are are heart-warminganecdotes, well-sprinkled with irony and down-home humor. A great, side-splitting laugh of abook you will enjoy reading any time of the year--and you'll never look at a Christmas tree thesame way again! ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

MIDWESTBOOKREVIEW
When I first received this book, I was not particularly looking
forward to the read.After all, how exciting could a book be
about a tree farm?I sat down to do my duty as a reviewer and I
was in for a delightful surprise!

Darrell Bain took me on a journey of continual giggles, as he told
the tales of their Christmas Tree Farm.Who wold have ever
imagined that so much adventure could be found there? Not I!
He tells you in many different delightful stories the different
aspects of tree farming and the adventures they have with all
the customers each year.

If you want a joyful Holiday read, this is the one for you.
It might just make you glad for the profession you have chosen, I
never realized how difficult it was to grow a tree! Excellent read, well worth your time. ... Read more

Product Description
EPPIE WINNER -2007- Children and Young Adult

In the future, whites have become a minority and are treated as second-class citizens by the colored majority. Whites are discriminated against, relegated to shantytowns and allowed to do only menial labor under segregation laws that are beginning to amount to little more than slavery. As conditions grow worse, white volunteers are worked to death in mine pits and the tar sands, where conditions are so brutal that serving as test subjects on alien planets begins to sound better than anything on earth, no matter what the danger. ... Read more

Product Description
The highly anticipated sequel to The Pet Plague...

The Pet Plague began on earth with genetically engineered pets with near-human intelligence getting loose and practically overrunning the world, with perhaps the only chance for salvation a downed alien spaceship. Now in Space Pets, Jamie Da Cruz and his buxom girlfriends, along with his loyal animal companions, Fuzzy Britches the multihued cat and Woggly the dog are forced by circumstances into exploring other worlds suitable for humans in an untested spaceship. Their quest is complicated by enemy humans aboard who want the ship for themselves and will use any means--including sexual seduction of Jamie--to capture it. Space Pets is an epic, erotic journey in search of a new home for humanity--but in the end it might turn out that earth is still the best the universe can offer, if only it can be tamed again! Watch for more stories to come in The Pet Plague Universe. ... Read more

Product Description
Two old coots make life hilarious for everyone as each tries to top the other's stories. Their wives call them lazy. They claim to be efficient. One thing is certain: neither of them will ever be accused of understating the truth! ... Read more

Product Description
Science Fiction: A stellar accident has thrown hundreds of small circular areas of East Texas far into the past. The displacement circles include such random spots as a roadside park, a Wal-Mart store, the streets of a small town--and the death row section of the state prison. Eventually the displaced individuals will come together in climactic battle for control of the new world. ... Read more

Product Description
BARK!

Tonto, a cross-eyed, ADHD affected little Weenie Dog with only one testicle is suddenly called upon to save the world from an alien invasion!

Can he do the job? Well, perhaps, if a compulsively cursing alcoholic super-genius and his co-ed groupies combine forces with an cigar-chomping Italian from the pentagon and his air headed secretary. And of course they have to have help from Tonto's owners, who think politicians aren't much smarter than lizards.

Get ready for a wild and crazy ride with Tonto and his friends, the most amazing characters Darrell Bain has created in his eclectic writing career.

This is a science fiction novel so insane it only begins to make sense when it's discovered that the aliens had a part in Tonto's conception to begin with! ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

Testing time for a Dachshund
Bark! Is a science fiction novella about how a miniature dachshund with ADHD saved the world from an inadvertent alien invasion. Not just any ADHD tiny sausage dog but one with a single testicle, a defective sense of smell, cross-eyed and autistic. It seems this doggie soup combined with his conception during a freak storm, created when aliens landed, provided Tonto with an attribute that enabled him to detect alien organisms when nothing else could.

This is a humorous tale and but for the profanities and extreme alcoholism, it could be a cute children's book. However, besides those adult behavioural traits this story is adult too in its attention to canine ethology. Bain is a keen observer and so the reader feels they are in the east Texas former Christmas Tree farmland, following the antics of a real Tonto; his attempts to jump, chase animals, lick faces and play with sticks are familiar to dog lovers worldwide. A proviso, Tonto is no ordinary pooch - those sticks are used as a tool. Bain paints his adults well too, in the subtleties of attitude and conspiracies plotted by both aliens and humans right to the frankly disturbing endgame.

The aliens trawl space, dropping in on planets that might be suitable for their species to inhabit. A scout craft lands with two Testers: animals genetically modified to enhance their inherent ability to take on the form of nearby fauna. This particular mission only intended to grab some biomass but two Testers escaped. Luckily, although two Testers can reproduce, three of their sexes are required for the newly created beings to survive a long time. Nevertheless, the two escapees produce duplicate rabbits and other Texan wildlife in short order.

Tonto goes crazy when he detects any of these `alien' duplicates, and his owners soon realize something extraordinary is happening. It is only when their friend and former Pentagon eccentric genius pays a visit that the ramifications of the `invasion' sink in.

As a science fiction story, Bark! deserves shelf space because it is so unusual: the main character is not only a dog, but an Aspergers mutt, the invasion is inadvertent and the lifeform-duplicating beings create intriguing dilemmas for those in the know. As a sub-40,000 words novella, there is a surprising amount of fast-paced action along with insightful forays into the thought processes of the aliens, their Testers, humans and Tonto.

If I have a doubt about Bark! it is that it ends too soon. I won't spoil the ending but the phenomenon of duplicating humans, especially in positions of power and trust, is too fascinating to be a brief endpiece.

Because I write science fiction novels I read with an eye for quality lines, observations and concepts I wish I'd crafted. Bain does a great job conveying the reader through the narrative as shown by Tonto the dachshund. It must have been tempting to write the whole story through Tonto as the Point of View. Maybe he did but found it too limiting and so successfully wrote it through Damon, the dog's owner. This close observation of the dog's behaviour is interspersed with intelligent human speculation. I particularly enjoyed the way Tonto displayed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder such as in his daily routines of re-arranging a hosepipe and using sticks to brush up pine straw into little piles. The neat reproductive trait of the alien Testers such that they need three sexes offers interesting possibilities. Interestingly, there are few colours and no bright colours used in the story. It is well known that dogs do not see well. Miniatures typically see three dioptres worse than humans and although they are not colour-blind as many suppose, their colour vision is paler than in humans: dogs differentiate between two hues compared to a hundred with most humans. Consequently, I cannot pick a fight with the paucity of bright colours in Darrell Bain's novel. In fact it is a cunning way of helping the reader to experience much of the story through Tonto. Also the aliens, unused to Terrestrial trees refer to them as `brown support columns turned to green'. Excellent.
Similarly, I chide authors when they fail to make sufficient use of aromas. Fiction, in my view, should use all the senses to involve the reader. In Bark! `Tonto appeared to have a defecit in the food detecting part of his nose.' In writing this amusing line, Bain tells us that Tonto uses other, more mysterious means, to detect the aliens.
Once The End is reached the reader is treated to a bonus piece of writing, the autobiography of Tonto as told to his master. This is a neat idea, but a little confusing. Maybe it is my fault but because the autobiography is of a real miniature dachshund called Tonto, who liked pushing sticks around, re-arranging a hosepipe and is living in Texas, I assumed it was the same Tonto as in Bark! Reading the introduction more carefully, I read that the autobio is of the writer's own dog, the inspiration for the novel. Does it work? Well, yes but I would have been more hooked if we had more an insight in how the fictional Tonto felt about detecting aliens, and other doggy secrets that have puzzled humans for centuries. The autobiography is obviously fiction so why not go further than half a page on what the barking is all about?
Nevertheless, the two elements of the book complement each other. An enjoyable read by an award-winning author.
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Product Description
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be the other sex? What problems do they face, what pleasures can they experience? The Transexual Anthology may help you find the answers. This collection of stories by renowned authors in the field include Darrell Bain and Jeanine Berry, Diana Hignutt, Thomas Farrell, Dallas Denny, and Mike Reynolds.

Featuring stories by

Jeanine Berry and Darrell Bain
Diana Hignutt
Thomas Farrell
Dallas Denny
Mike Reynolds


Contents

Reality TV by Thomas Farrell
Gateway to Love (a tale of the sex gates) by Jeanine Berry and Darrell Bain
The Locket by Diana Hignutt
The Reunion, a one-act play by Dallas Denny
Night Ride by Dallas Denny
Reaching "Out": six stories from Genderland by Mike Reynolds

Customer Reviews (1)

Surprising Depth
Reality TV - is the story of an out of work actor takes a job on a reality TV show. If he makes it to the final contestants, he stands to win a large bonus. There are two problems. First, he is "straight", and he must seduce the bachelor. Second, he must not be discovered by the other girls. The tension builds as toward an eventful climax. The quality of writing and story line make this a fun read.

Gateway to Love - is a short story based upon "The Sex Gates". This is one of the few female to male stories that I've read. The story is of woman who was scarred in a tragic accident. Her former lover, and I use the term loosely, is harsh to the point of unreality. However, it moves the story along, and the account of the woman's male transformation is very moving. The authors do an excellent job of carrying the reader along with her toward manhood. I won't say any more than that because I don't want to spoil it for you.

The Locket - is a supernatural story of haunting. The main characters great grandmother seduces him. Okay, I try not to be a prude, but this is really disgusting. YUCK! His transformation is a mixture of magic and surgery.

The Reunion - is a play that I skimmed. It did not really hold my attention.

Night Ride - is a man's brooding contemplations while riding a bike. The story is a bit fragmented and hard to follow. He recalls poignant moments in his life and transgender struggles as he rides his bike. It's a bit out there but good.

Reaching "Out" - is an interesting collection of stories and essay. These stories surprised me. I thought they would be boring. To my great delight, they were insightful and fun to read. The clarity and honesty was great.

In summary, I would recommend this book to anyone interested on the subject. When I was reading a story, I did not want to put it down until I was finished. I hope to read more by these authors.
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Product Description
After the Vietnam War, the hard drinking, adventurous Williard brothers decide to go hunting for a purported dinosaur living in the Congo. Flying a beat up old plane, pursued by the Mafia, carrying a half million in drug money they don't know they have; they are shot at, shot down, almost eaten by Mokele Mbembe and finally are captured by a tribe of Pygmies. ... Read more

Product Description
This collection of short stories is a great way to introduce yourself to Fictionwise Author Of The Year Darrell Bain. The stories are annotated by the author and interspersed with excerpts from his popular newsletter as well as articles published elsewhere. Read about the little girl who can talk to animals, but no one believes her. About a young autistic boy who changes the world by playing with magnets. About an invasion by aliens who look like birds. Find out about the strange pets Neanderthals keep. Discover how a loser in the sex wars uses science to enhance his chances, with catastrophic results. Learn how the world ended?or did it? Laugh at the antics of authorities trying to corral a grade school supergenius who won't be stymied in her quest for knowledge. These and other stories will give you hours of reading pleasure as you delve into the fiction and non-fiction writing of Darrell Bain. ... Read more

Product Description
The Bolt Cluster is an area of close-knit stars that harbors a curious planet and deadly secret. Starships which enter the cluster never return. An alien enigma there has cost Wannstead Industries so many lives and ships that they finally decide to turn it over to the US Space Navy and its futuristic contingent of roughneck Marines. Captain Keane leads mankind's most lethal spaceship into unknown alien territory, fighting battles against a bizarre alien species that will never surrender. Keane and the crew of Doc Travis are now involved in mankind's first interstellar war, where the very existence of humanity may be at stake. The Bolt Cluster enigma must not only be solved but Keane and the Doc Travis also have to survive and return to Earth. Humanity must be warned of the threat or all the lives and ships lost so far will be in vain. ... Read more

Product Description
When a startling number of Americans prominent in the fields of science, math or technology mysteriously vanish, two NSA field agents, Ruthanne Carter and Larry Tracker, investigate the disappearances. Unknown to them, Caden Jordan, a highly competent detective, generates strong doubts that certain missing persons vanished of their own accord. The two agents and the detective compile an array of intriguing information that leads them, in company with other specialists within the NSA, to conclude that an alien “Entity,” for some enigmatic reason of his own, is surreptitiously abducting persons with certain abilities and transporting them to an alternate Earth in a parallel universe. When Ruthanne Carter vanishes, Larry realizes that she has been abducted by the Entity. Desperate, owing to his love for Ruthanne, he voluntarily puts himself in a position that increases his chance of being abducted himself. He becomes the next person to vanish.

Ryan Bigelow, a geneticist who was the first person to disappear, awakens within a mysterious, shimmering dome. He emerges to find himself in a wild, unpopulated land that he suspects to be the American West, even though it contains an old, abandoned stone city that does not resemble any ancient site in America. Bigelow, who finds artifacts in the city that enable him to survive, exercises a remarkable talent for leadership as new arrivals emerge daily from the dome. When Ruthanne Carter appears, she finds that Dr. Saul Steiglitz, a renowned physicist, agrees with the NSA’s conclusion that an alien “Entity” has teleported the MPs to a parallel universe. Dr. Arthur McConnell, a youthful mathematical genius, concurs in that belief. The final abductee to emerge from the dome is Larry Tracker.

When the Entity contacts the group, he succeeds in speaking through Ruthanne Carter, who alone of all those snatched has a mind that can withstand the trauma caused by the Entity’s invasion. The horrified listeners learn just what the Entity is and discover what he wants. Assuming right from the start that the Entity can’t be trusted, they assert themselves, despite knowing that the ruthless alien can kill them instantly. Refusing to let themselves be intimidated, they find weaknesses they can exploit in his mental makeup. The tension escalates as the abductees negotiate with the Entity, struggle against him, and finally devise a means by which they hope they can outwit the murderous alien. ... Read more

Product Description
When a laboratory technician on the verge of retirement accidentally infects himself with blood from an emergency room patient, he intends to report it-until gun-toting government agents swarm the hospital and confiscate the sample. Afraid of being thrown into an isolation chamber, Michael goes home, but quickly falls violently ill. By the time he recovers and returns to work scary things are happening. Everyone who has come into contact with that patient is being systematically killed. On the run, he accidentally infects a woman living in the shadows of the underworld. She becomes ill as well, but survives. Then they begin feeling younger-and younger. Why would the government want to suppress something like this? After barely escaping federal gunmen, the two of them set out to discover what kind of infection they are harboring even though it might mean the end of their freedom. ... Read more

Product Description
When terrorists try to poison undergraduate schools with a nerve agent, the scheme backfires. Instead of causing death, the chemical stimulates the mirror neurons in the students brains, causing them to multiply and become hyperactive. This, in turn, leads to unusual talents. As the children grow, their teachers and other institutions become very interested in the odd perceptive ability they begin displaying. Government, industry, military, drug cartels, businesses and the underworld all want to use them for their own purposes. Some of the young men and women have different ideas. They will fight to keep their freedom...especially after a few of them begin to develop another odd talent, one that may change the world.


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Product Description
From best selling author Darrell Bain, this satirical look at Bill Clinton may politically offend but it's hilariously funny at the same time...This book is a good example of what comes from mixing politics and beer. It resulted from a night of camaraderie and debauchery with my brothers. Sometime during the festivities, one of us thought up the idea of what might happen should a real, though intelligent, Redneck ever get to the White House. We all laughed like crazy at the prospect and had great fun discussing various scenarios and situations. Perhaps we also vented some of our frustration at the labyrinthine entanglements of our present political process and how it works or doesn?t work. At any rate, once I sobered up, I thought the idea might make a good book. ... Read more

Product Description
In the future, whites have become a minority and are treated as second-class citizens by the colored majority. Whites are discriminated against, relegated to shantytowns and allowed to do only menial labor under segregation laws that are beginning to amount to little more than slavery. As conditions grow worse, white "volunteers" are worked to death in mine pits and the tar sands, where conditions are so brutal that serving as test subjects on alien planets begins to sound better than anything on earth, no matter what the danger. ... Read more

Product Description
My younger brother Gary is a charming, humorous, articulate, romantic adventurer and warrior. Hes one of those types of men the rest of us admire and fantasize about, wishing we could be more like them. In the olden days, he would have been a Mountain Man or a Knight or perhaps even a Pirate or Buccaneer. In any era, he would always have been one of the first to cross the mountains, the wide rivers or brave the unexplored oceans. ... Read more