Product Description
Masters of the Sex Gates is the highly anticipated sequel to the mindblowing novel, The Sex Gates.Earth is changed forever when the Sex Gates arrive. By passing through a gate, you can change your sex or cure an incurable illness -- but each passage carries a price. What will the ultimate price be?Outside, the demonstrators shouted and shook their fists. Most of them were convinced there was a trick to successfully making successive passages, a trick that we Seconders selfishly kept to ourselves. That made us evil in their eyes. If such a secret did exist, it would be extremely valuable. The wealthy would gladly sacrifice a fortune to gain effective immortality. And to make that immortality fun, you could change your sex whenever you got bored and enjoy swinging both ways. For a Seconder, it was as easy as walking through one of the ubiquitous sex gates. But there was no secret to sell, and nothing we could tell this mob would appease it. Neither Rita nor I had any idea why we could pass through the gates safely while others vanished if they made the attempt. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (4)

Not Free SF Reader
More of the same, as the trilogy concludes.If you have read the others, you know what to expect, with a bit more of an emphasis on what is going on.The friends and protagonists are mastering their powers, finding out what is going on, and having sex not quite as often, at least on page, anyway.

Good but not as good as sex gates.
This was good but not as good as Sex Gates (5 stars for that one!) It's still an enjoyable fast read. It does seem to get off topic a little about halfway through but get's back on track.

I'm am definitely going to read the sequel.

Series overall is highly recommended.

Truly, the Masters of the Sex Gates
Authors Darrell Bain and Jeanine Berry have succeeded admirably in this gripping sequel to their bestselling novel, THE SEX GATES.The mysterious sex gates have changed the world of the not too distand future; destabilizing governments and religions alike, and rocking the fabric of society as never before.Now, people have grown suspicious of "Seconders," individuals like our hero/heroine Jackson Lee (Li) Stuart, who have the ability to go through the sex gates repeatedly without vanishing.You see, the sex gates have the power to cure disease and restore youth, but always change the sex of those who pass through them, and they rarely allow follow-up trips.The Seconders, then, have essentially found the secret to immortality.Repeat passage through the gates also brings out greater intelligence and telepathy in the Seconders.Lee(Li) must discover the secrets of the gates before jealous, hate-fueled mobs fall upon and destroy the Seconders.He/she must chance as many trips as possible to find and contact the mysterious Masters of the gates and win their help, but first he/she must travel hundreds of miles across a world slipping into chaos.The authors, one male, one female, ingeniously sue their own gender differences to provide truly believable viewpoints for their likable and quirky characters.A wonderful blend of sci-fi, sexuality and sociology, makes this book a delight.Enjoy it, I know I did!

Diana Hignutt-Moonsword

Explores possibilities I never thought of before
What a great book! I'm an avid science fiction reader and this book is something that I've never really explored before. I love Heinlein and this is very Heinlein-esque. Having both a male and female author gives a very realistic perspective when telling the story from a male or female point of view. Heinlein tried to capture this in "I Will Fear No Evil", but, of course, being male, couldn't really envision what it was like to be a woman. If men & women could experience what it would be like to go through life as a member of the opposite sex, this world would be a very different place. Also, the characters were very well written. They were human, with human foibles and problems, but likeable. They were the kind of people that it would be fun to know. ... Read more

Product Description

Darrell Bain's latest novel encompasses the spirit of the old American pioneers who risked all for a chance of a better life in a new environment. With conditions in America deteriorating, the Bentley family decides to take advantage of the recently discovered method for reaching the stars. They sign a contract with a corporation in return for partial financing of their venture to a new world. But as they travel on the space trails, they gradually discover that all is not right about the expedition they're on. When the discrepancies finally come to a head, they find the corporation has deceived all the immigrants. Regardless, there is no turning back, for the leaders of the expedition have outsmarted themselves. Out of food, lost in the labyrinth of the space trails, beset by denizens of the 'ways, with only a slim chance of survival, the Bentley family and their fellow immigrants press on, driven by the same indomitable spirit their forebears showed while conquering a new continent.

Product Description
The Galaxy is being colonized by well financed groups and nations but the UN is increasing its control of earth and now wants to control the colonies as well. A confederacy of ships bought by groups from the United States has a different idea about the type government they want and are willing to fight for it. Sage Gomez learns his parents are among them and that he will be leaving for the stars. He has no idea of how much trouble is waiting for them beyond earth. He is going to have to age awfully fast! ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

Darrell Bain
I really like these books.Bain's books are fun romps through sci-fi.This is the way Science fiction should be.Darrell Bain and Thomas DePrima are now my two favorite authors.For me they have replaced David Weber and Jim Butcher. ... Read more

Product Description
THE ORIGINAL SEX GATES NOVEL

This is the Sex Gates novel as originally written by Darrell Bain alone. It has a completely different ending, and it contains one more major character and several more supporting ones. In this original version, all questions are answered and all issues resolved in this one book. It is being published now in response to all the fan mail and interest the trilogy generated?and continues to generate. The Sex Gates has already become a science fiction cult classic and this book should be a significant addition to the sex gates universe.

Author's Note

I wrote The Sex Gates in 1993 at a frenzied pace, completing the first draft in one month flat. In looking over my original novel and the one ten years later which includes Jeanine Berry as a collaborator, I am unable to judge which version I like best. That is for readers to decide. I can only say that going back over the old manuscript helped me recapture most of the original emotion and intensity with which I first got this notion into novel form.

When I revisited The Original Sex Gates, I was reminded of the two versions of Arthur C. Clark's grand stories, Against The Fall Of Night and The City And The Stars. I have been reading both versions over and over for many years and continue to enjoy both of them to this day. I sincerely hope you can do the same with the two different versions of The Sex Gates. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

Racy and Risque
I have both the Original Sex Gates and the trilogy, I enjoy both versions equally. I'm fascinated by the idea of being able to go through a gate and coming out younger, healthier body which is also of the opposite sex. The story line, once you decide to suspend a certain amount of plausability, is very amusing and thought provocing. I have read both versions a couple of times each and still find them good. I like imagining what I would do under the same circumstances. Read and enjoy! ... Read more

Product Description
A brand new science fiction novel from the author of The Sex Gates and The Pet Plague. Earth has become a dystopia ruled by giant corporations, where the majority of the population is bonded to a company for life. Twins Jane and Steve are an exception, living an upper class life by means of their parents' stake in a new enterprise--which doesn't suit the great corporation currently governing the world. Just as Steve and Jane realize they are in love--with each other--their parents' company is forced into bankruptcy, effectively making the whole family indebted criminals--and prime candidates for the 'Crazy Ships', the only mode for interstellar travel. Only half the ships will reach their destination and only half of those will return. Steve and Jane are declared adults, and with no visible means of support, are each sentenced to become part of the crew of a 'Crazy Ship', but not the same ship, nor the one their parents are forced to go on. Their only chance of ever seeing each other is to complete the five jumps to which they are sentenced, and to arrive safely on Sporeworld, the prime colony of earth, named after its chief export, giant spores from which exotic medicines are made. Other machinations are going on inside the ruling faction on earth. Knowing that they will soon become deposed, a safe haven is being prepared on Sporeworld, from which even more desperate plans are in the works, plans which will inexplicably involve the twins--if they survive. No one knows what happens to the ships that disappear, but Steve and Jane soon find out when each of the ships they are on fails to make a jump. Now they are truly in dire straits, for they are in the graveyard of disappeared ships--but not everything there is dead. The Crazy Ships is a coming of age novel in a future where business is savage, sex is easy, and prospects for the future are dim. ... Read more

Product Description
A clandestine society, financed by a billionaire, has created a new infectious virus capable of inserting genes which determine the way individuals feel about sex. The FBI and CDC have been targeted first, in hopes that infected personnel will hamper any investigation. The virus spreads rapidly, but its effects are not noticed by individuals to begin with--and when discovered, the change in sexual attitudes is not recognized as something induced into the body from an outside source. When an FBI investigator finally does suspect that something unusual is going on, the Center for Disease Control is contacted and brought into the investigation. It is quickly discovered that indeed a virus capable of changing sexual attitudes is spreading over the world. While the FBI and CDC are racing to discover the originators of the virus and to create a cure or vaccine, the investigation is hampered by the fact that the agents themselves are becoming infected. The men and women trying desperately to stop the sex virus have to cope with their own changed attitudes and hope the virus can be stopped before society is irrevocably changed. And it may already be too late. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

Proofreading.Do it!
I'm roughly halfway through the Kindle version of the story; it's a fairly quick read.The problem with this title, and it jumps out at you from the first page, is a problem with double consonants."Book" will come out fine, but words like "call", "finally", and "matter" will frequently appear as "cal", "finaly", and "mater".I actually like the story; be warned, there is some semi-graphic sex involved (not exactly a problem in my mind, but I know there are some who don't read for that type of pleasure.)Go figure, based on the title.The proofreading failure, though, is highly noticeable, and detracts from the story in a large fashion. ... Read more

Product Description
A scientist whose family is killed by illegal immigrants decides to use his research on autistic idiot-savants to discover a solution to the problem. Before long, he finds himself inextricably involved in a conspiracy to not only solve the illegal immigrant crisis, but almost every other ill besetting America. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (3)

Focus on success
The transaction was seemless.The book arrived in top condition as expected.The price was right.I was very satisfied.

Like the premise
I liked the premise of the book.The build up was good, but the conclusion was hurried.As an aside, is this really fiction?Our government seems to be similar to the one discussed in this book!

engaging political satire
Murray Blake is stunned as he feels his life has collapsed.First, his firm shuts down his project, ending his research into helping autistic idiot-savants when his work showed promise and is at a critical stage.Second illegal immigrants killed his family.Although he considers Alice's Red Queen is an optimist with her philosophy of perpetual running to remain in one place, he feels he fell down the rabbit hole.Still grieving, Murray ponders how pathetic the government is as it fumbles its reason for existing, deal with man-made or natural disasters.

With time on his hands, Murray decides to use his research to solve the illegal immigration issue that has caused him so much personal anguish.He tests his findings on himself.Soon afterward, the scientist becomes a key cog in a scheme to solve all of America's most vexing problems starting with illegal immigration.

THE FOCUS FACTORY is an engaging political satire that has science fiction roots.The story line lampoons the foibles of the industrial-government complex that share the common goal that the bottom line supersedes any real solutions to issues unless it feeds the bottom line.Extrapolating failures like Katrina and the Illegal Immigration responses (what happened to those two problems as they seem to have faded away during the current campaign); Darrell Bain and Gerald Mills provide a strong saga.Murray makes the tale work as a beaten down man refusing to allow the Queen of Hearts to direct her minion with "off with his head" without fighting back.

Harriet Klausner
... Read more

Product Description
A man-made virus is killing all the blacks in the world. The African continent is devolving into complete chaos. Blacks in America begin rioting and killing Whites. Israel and the Arab states go to war again. The oil fields of the Middle East and Africa are up for grabs.The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta provides the only possible bulwark against the whole world falling into anarchy. Unfortunately, the CDC comes under attack by mobs of angry, sick and dying blacks while scientists inside search desperately for a cure. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

exciting timely thriller

The genetically altered virus surfaced in Africa killing anyone whose body cells contained a certain level of melanin.Dark skinned people were dying in biblical numbers.As Africa descends into deadly anarchy, the virus leaves the continent for other nations around the world.Globalization collapses drowning the global economy in its tsunami.In the United States, mob chaos begins to reign so Martial Law is invoked.

While everyone is reeling and rioting and looting is everywhere, and CDC scientists work around the clock for a cure, a second virus explodes on the world.This time the customized killer is Middle Eastern people.At about the same time, Church of Blacks militant members lay siege to the CDC.Former soldier Doug Craddock, a Caucasian, providing security to the scientists, tries to persuade the angry militants that this is their best bet for a cure; but no one seems interested in anything except stringing up a white man

The exciting THE MELANIN APOCALYPSE is perfect timing with the economy crashing and the Powell endorsement properly targeting the hate towards specific groups as the real anti-Americanism.The premise is built on genome research allows customizing medical cures can also do the opposite causing specified global holocausts.However, the key to this superb cautionary science fiction thriller is how people act and react to the customized deadly viruses.

Harriet Klausner
... Read more

Product Description
In an erotic future society genetically enhanced pets have overrun the world and driven humans into vast barricaded enclaves, where social and sexual mores have undergone drastic changes. When an alien spaceship crashes in the wilds, two competing enclaves form expeditions to recover the advanced technology. A battle between them is certain, but first they must fight their way through an overgrown countryside where intelligent animals rule supreme. [EPIC 2000 Finalist] ... Read more

Product Description
The people of Masterville Valley carry prions in their bodies that could make the world a much better place-but most of humanity will never willingly accept them, for once infected, a person is able to reason much better, rejecting religious, sexual and political dogma. Being born with the prions or trying to infect others with them carries a death penalty in most Islamic nations. In America and the rest of the world, the Masterville prions have become a political football because religious leaders are so utterly opposed to them, despite compelling evidence that they imbue their carriers with a much saner life style, both sexual and social. When a newly elected moderate president is assassinated, his successor again begins using a secret cabal of the National Security Agency to spread lies and deception about Masterville Valley and its prions. The happy, peaceful people of the valley are forced to fight back, and they begin their battle by secretly spreading their prions out into the world, including the halls of congress and into the president-s own inner circle. But will the prions take effect in time to save them from zealots intent on completely destroying the people of Masterville valley and the hope for a peaceful earth it represents? ... Read more

Product Description
Since their introduction in Medics Wild!, the zany Williard brothers' adventures have become increasingly science fictionish in nature, involving a real dinosaur in the Congo one time and factual evidence of Bigfoot (or more likely an alien) the next, but this escapade tops even those past exploits for strangeness.

THREE FOR THE MONEY takes place after the turn of the century when the Williard brothers of Vietnam war fame are beginning to show their age, but aren't ready to slow down yet. They are headed into their wildest adventure yet, involving a treasure worth far more than their inherited billions even if they can collect the money, which becomes increasingly doubtful, because others want it, too. Their attempt to find the money and the baffling object that may be the real prize will set the stage for their antics to last for many, many years to come. Of course first they have to defeat the mysterious Mister H and his beautiful assistant, the CIA, the FBI, and the Mexican army, then find the money, collect the unknown prize and escape with their lives. That's a tall order for anyone--except the Williard brothers, the most amazing trio to appear in fiction since the Three Musketeers!

Product Description
Double Dragon Publishing Inc.

Anniversary Edition
Three Novel - One Volume - Re-Edited - New Material!

Altered Humans ~ Prelude To The Pet Plague

In a world where enhanced animals have altered the ecology beyond repair, the great protective enclaves are beginning to be built, but there will be no refuge there for altered humans, nor for normal humans trying to protect their enhanced pets. A woman with feline genes, bred for sex slavery. A man who kills to protect his pet. Two truckers who don?t care about laws designed for the cities. All are on the run across a surreal landscape where their odyssey takes them into the dangerous wilds, along roads and highways rapidly becoming impassable, and into cities where they have to live as outlaws. There is a chance for them to find a normal life if they can survive long enough to be accepted as immigrants to the moon. But only two of them can go, and only if they aren?t caught first. Altered Humans is a novel set in the days before the pet plague reaches its peak, where society is in flux, where survival is for the strong, but where goodness and generosity can still be found?if you don?t die first.


The Pet Plague

In an erotic future society genetically enhanced pets have overrun the world and driven humans into vast barricaded enclaves, where social and sexual mores have undergone drastic changes. When an alien spaceship crashes in the wilds, two competing enclaves form expeditions to recover the advanced technology. A battle between them is certain, but first they must fight their way through an overgrown countryside where intelligent animals rule supreme. [EPIC 2000 Finalist]

Space Pets

 The highly anticipated sequel to The Pet Plague...

The Pet Plague began on earth with genetically engineered pets with near-human intelligence getting loose and practically overrunning the world, with perhaps the only chance for salvation a downed alien spaceship. Now in Space Pets, Jamie Da Cruz and his buxom girlfriends, along with his loyal animal companions, Fuzzy Britches the multihued cat and Woggly the dog are forced by circumstances into exploring other worlds suitable for humans in an untested spaceship. Their quest is complicated by enemy humans aboard who want the ship for themselves and will use any means--including sexual seduction of Jamie--to capture it. Space Pets is an epic, erotic journey in search of a new home for humanity--but in the end it might turn out that earth is still the best the universe can offer, if only it can be tamed again! Watch for more stories to come in The Pet Plague Universe.
... Read more

Product Description
In the future, Monitors are stronger, smarter and longer-lived than normalhumans. They also have a sex drive much higher and more versatile than otherpeople. Monitors face constant danger when they infiltrate and observe variouscultures for possible violations of The Articles Of Hegemony. When Janet Presleybecame a Monitor, she never expected to wind up investigating a planet wherefemales outnumbered males ten to one, and yet were completely subjugated. Nordid she ever think she would have to pose as a sex slave in order to save herlife and that of her libido-enhanced companions. The long trip to Arrowhead isenjoyable, with six highly sexed Monitors aboard ship, but as they discoverexactly what they?re getting into, Janet knows the fun and games will end veryshortly, perhaps ending her life as well. The male dominated society ofArrowhead is determined to resist incorporation into the empire by the onlymeans possible; they will see to it that the Monitors vanish forever. Andthere's one other problem, one the Monitors have never seen before? ... Read more

Product Description
The Williard Brothers Collection is a compilation of award-winning author Darrell Bain's 4 popular adventure novels; Medics Wild!, BigFoot Crazy, Postwar Dinosaur Blues, and The Billion Dollar Caribbean Caper (Three for the Money). All books have individually won awards or placed as finalists. Medics Wild! in particular has won a variety of accolades and has been described as funny as the long-time running television show... M*A*S*H. Darrell was a medic in the Vietnam War and I personally believe that he drew from his personal experiences.

The remaining books take the Williard brothers (first introduced in Medics Wild!) on a variety of adventures from a search for Bigfoot, dinosaurs and in the end... a treasure hunt.

If you haven't yet read one or all of these fabulous books by Fictionwise Author of the Year, Darrell Bain, now is your chance to pickup all four novels in a single volume! ~ The Publisher


Medics Wild!:
When the Williard brothers get going, any resemblance to a real war is purely coincidental! Sgt. James Williard uses his position as the hauncho of a medical dispensary in Vietnam as a base, while he and his crazy medics turn the war zone into a party zone. Williard's two brothers, Jerry, a naval ensign and Jason (Jumpin' Jase) the Marine fighter pilot who regularly loses 15 million dollar planes join the fun and then it is like no war ever recorded. Wilder than M*A*S*H, a hilarious romp.

Postwar Dinosaur Blues:
After the war the zany Williard brothers and their paramours go looking for adventure and find all they can handle when they decide to see if there really is a dinosaur still living deep in the Congo. Flying a beat-up old seaplane, the brothers are shot up, shot down, chased by the Mafia for carrying drug money they don't know they have, captured by pygmies and forced to undergo the dread palm wine drinking contest, where failure means being fed to Mokele Mbembe--and if they survive all this, the Godfather is waiting back in New York to feed them to his pet shark.

Product Description
Speculative Mystery:Girls and young women are disappearing without a trace and without a clue left behind. The mystery ultimately involves a blond heiress, an astute detective, and a solution where they both may disappear, too! ... Read more

Product Description
Mystery/Thriller/Suspense:A renegade chemist has discovered a drug which can be given quickly and surreptitiously, and which will convert almost anyone to a state of mind where the merest suggestion becomes an imperative need to obey. Unless the drug can be found and quickly suppressed, society may be changed irrevocably--for the worse! ... Read more

Customer Reviews (1)

Masterful
No more whines of "I never win anything." I won this, autographed, so ha!

Science fiction can look so easy, can't it? Think of a great idea and build a story around it, right? Well, it's a bit more difficult than that. Wanna know how many I've written? I lost count. Wanna know how many I didn't throw in the trash? Zero. Be grateful, friends and neighbors. I was doing a public service, for you, when I tossed that rubbish.

The masters create three-dimensional characters and let the story unfold from them. Character drives plot, not the other way around, regardless of the situation those characters are in. Pacing and description matter, and skillful use of language is always preferred. By giving us real people, the story evolves far beyond some guys in a pub or on an Internet forum saying, "What would happen if...?" That initial question or questions are just a convenient little rack to hang the rest of the story on, and there had better be plenty to hang on that little rack or nobody's gonna read it, not even the author's family. Darrell knows all this well, which is why he has so many awards and so many fans. The fans are more important.

This isn't science fiction, by the way. It's mystery/thriller. The only thing about it that doesn't exist in the world today -- I hope it doesn't -- is the chemical that makes anyone who breathes it obey any suggestion. What would such a thing do? Read the book and you'll find out, and you'll still be thinking about it when you're done.

I have the most wonderful and beautiful wife, the ultimate Miss Picasso, and enough money. Maybe I'd use this drug on the folks at Immigration, but that's all I can think of. Ethical considerations aside, I can't think of anything else I want.

The book does deserve better editing. But I immediately knew Dirk Wolf did the cover -- he was one of the best -- and my review did refer to Darrell as one of "the masters," didn't it? Yeah, it did. So that's all good stuff. Thanks, Darrell! I wanna win something else! (Hmm. A use for the chemical after all. In case I'm too cheap to BUY his books...)
... Read more

Product Description
If you like real down to earth, all out belly-busting laughter, then try this book. LAUGHING ALL THE WAY is a companion volume to the five star rated LIFE ON SANTA CLAUS LANE and is just as funny -- if not more so. Egg-stealing snakes, skunks in kitchen cabinets, a flour-bespattered husband and kitchen when Darrell attempts to make a pie to surprise his hard-working wife, an ice cream and french fry loving Dachshund doggie who befuddles the people at the Sonic drive-in, a true life tale of a stupendously funny move to a new home where everything goes wrong and many more real life stories of home life, by Darrell Bain, told in his own renowned style of humor. A book for all the seasons, for all ages, for anyone who likes to laugh at life's foibles. ... Read more

Product Description
An eclectic, erotic, startling and fun collection of fiction and nonfiction. Includes the hilarious novella "God Vs Boilerroom McScam," "The Lost Viagra Pill," "Tight Jeans" and many others. Welcome to Around the Bend, dear reader. This collection of stories by DarrellBain will both entice and entertain. Old friends to Darrell’s writing will enjoy this collection, as it encompasses a wide range of writing styles and genres that have been written throughout the years. If you are a stranger to Darrell Bain, I can think of no better way of being introduced to his writing and creative wit. If you are an old friend, you will find this volume most entertaining, as it may introduce you to a side of Darrell you haven’t seen. Darrell began writing science fiction with Robert A. Heinlein as his major influence, but later branched off into mystery, children’s fiction, romance, adventure, military and humor. He is known for his Medics Wild! series, which is roughly based on his tour in Vietnam as a medic but has recently written, in collaboration with Jeanine Berry, a new series entitled The Sex Gates. Thisseries, along with The Pet Plague and Space Pets, has enjoyed spectacular success, and all are expected to become science fiction classics. ... Read more

Product Description
Here is a collection of wild and zany, hilariously funny stories about the life and adventures of a couple who have lived for over twenty years at a real address on Santa Claus Lane and--what else?--own a Christmas tree farm in--where else?--Texas!

Darrell is a lazy, inefficient and ten-thumbed farmer who would rather write or do most anything except farm, even though he's the one who got them into it. Betty is his hard-working, efficient and competent wife. Darrell loves her dearly, and it's a wonder she has stayed with him, considering all the misadventures, escapades and hair-brained schemes he gets himself and his long-suffering wife into.

These stories range from ravenous Bed & Breakfast guests who eat them out of house and home, the attack of the killer kittens, couch testing, wreath-making for dummies and many, many more, related in a style all Darrell's own. If you can get through this book without laughing until your ribs are sore, you are a rare exception and haven't got a funny bone in your body. ... Read more

Customer Reviews (3)

Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus Lane...
Yes, Virginia, there really is a Santa Claus Lane.And for Darrell Bain, life at home is filled with more funny and unusual experiences than a stocking is filled with goodies on Christmas morning.

Life on Santa Claus Lane is a collection of amusing stories detailing Bain's life on a Christmas tree farm in East Texas along with his spouse, dog, and two cats.You certainly won't be disappointed with Bain's down-home, tongue-in-cheek style and quirky perceptions of life.(Per evidence of his definition of the actual use of a tape measure: "There is no actual use for this tool because it mysteriously disappears whenever anything needs measuring.")But don't look for any talk about sex, because that topic is emphatically off limits.Just ask Darrell's wife.The exploits of their dog, Biscuit, however, is fair game.

Through it all Bain spins a sequence of tales that provide smirks of familiarity, chuckles of amusement, or downright, out-loud laughter.Wait till you read about "The Great Closet Expedition" or learn of his ironclad memory in "A Simple Errand."Even putting up a garden tent can be quite an adventure where Bain is concerned.

Whatever happens on Santa Claus Lane, you can be sure Darrel Bain will tell us about it in a fun and entertaining fashion.This book is a great read, and I highly recommend it!

Reviewer: Gene Berger

Park you bottom, put up your feet and prepare to laugh
I will never look at a Christmas tree the same again.What a funny, funny recounting of life in the not so fast lane of a Christmas tree farmer and his long suffering wife Betty.

If you've had a hard day at the office andwant to relax while reading about the hilarious trials and tribulations ofsomeone else, this book is the one.This is better than cherry vanilla icecream.

One of the funniest books I've ever read
This just has to be the funniest book I have ever read. I was doing a job for the publisher Bookmice, improving the appearance and usability of the HTML versions of several books: background, headings, internal links and soon.This kind of work doesn't involve much reading from the book, but when Istarted on 'Santa Claus Lane', my eyes were caught by a sentence, and I gotto reading, then I went to the start of the chapter to make sense of it. Before long, I gave away all pretense of working on the book, and simplyread it from end to end. Even then, the content wouldn't let me alone. Many of the stories were well worth a second read, and now weeks later,they still make me chuckle. Darrel has a wicked turn of phrase: * "Iwas watching a football game through closed eyelids (this is something onlymen can do)." * "...anyone who has been owned by kittens..."* "What's that noise?" she asked. "The wall," I said."Walls don't make noise." "They do when I bump them with myhead." He describes perfectly ordinary domestic episodes in a waythat'll have you laugh. I suspect this book is not for youngsters, but themore mature among us will identify with this self-effacing rogue and hisever-victorious wife Betty. ... Read more

Product Description
Biscuit truly relates to people with ever fiber of his little doggie heart, even to having a human girl friend, getting tickets for reckless driving and sampling Viagra® pills. Who could resist a dog story like this? ... Read more

Customer Reviews (5)

Biscuit the dog
I didn't know before I read the book that it has quite a following with kids and adults alike. Had to read it because I have 2 doxies of my own.It is very cute.

a fun little book...
Darrel Bain is at it again.This time we have the pleasure of learning all about the comedic antics of Biscuit, his pet dachshund.Or as Bain describes him, "six inches high, six feet long, has ears that drag the ground and likes to lick faces."

I'm sure the description is pretty close, because fans of Darrell Bain know full well he isn't given to hyperbole. And if you believe that, you'll probably believe that this man who truly resides at Santa Claus Lane hates ice cream.

Bain weaves tale after tail of the trials and adventures of raising a puppy on a tree farm in the wilds of Texas.He seemingly writes with a wink and a perpetual gleam in this eye, which is why the stories are fun to read.I wonder if Bain develops a Pinocchio nose whenever he starts putting his ideas down on paper.

But why shouldn't the reader believe Biscuit created his own vocabulary, can honk a truck horn, or had a wild run-in with Viagra?Fact or fiction?I'll leave that for you to decide.

The reader will come to love and laugh at a little dog he or she will never meet.In the process however, Bain reminds us that life isn't all rosy, and can bite you when you least expect it. The harsh realities of life play a minor role in this entertaining little book, and leave an impression that lasts a tad longer than the light-hearted theme.But whoever said life would be all ice cream and doggie biscuits?

Laughed and LaughedUNTIL we cried
This book gave us more then we ever thought.The author brings true to life the real colors of having a doxie in your world.I originally got this book for myself to read.I ended up reading aloud virtually the entire story to my husband.Whether you have a doxie, much less a dog in your world, the story of Biscuit is hilarious, and to ones amazement daily life with a "wiener dog".
Even more wonderful is I have since read this book to our 3 nephews who laughed so hard THEY even had tears coming down.This book comes soo highly suggested, it would be a shame to go through life and to never have heard the story of "Doggie Biscuit"
Thank you Darrell Bain

A story that is thoughtful and universal in its appeal
Biscuit is a little dachshund that exemplifies what we all love best about our canine companions. Doggie Biscuit follows this charming canine character throughout his entire life story. Writing with a tongue-in-cheek style humor, author Darrell Bain lays out a remarkable story of love and adventure (Biscuit may be the only dog in the world to have received a traffic ticket!) that will completely engage the reader's full and rapt attention from first page to last. Indeed, it would not be unexpected for readers with canine companions of their own to see in Biscuit some of those special times and qualities that is to be found in their own dog's behavior. Not to be missed is a very special section of Doggie Biscuits that deals with Biscuit's extensive vocabulary and is complete with his ability to communicate through, and respond to, an amazing list of words, phrases and gestures. A pure joy and entertainment, Dogie Biscuit is also a story that is thoughtful and universal in its appeal. Highly recommended reading!

Such a Cute Book!
Doggie Biscuit is a really cute book, and I'm not even all that fond of dogs!In Doggie Biscuit, Darrell Bain tells the absolutely delightful story of Biscuit, a Dachshund.Truly, Biscuit is a member of the family.You'll be crying from laughing so hard at some of the antics of Biscuit, but sadly, you'll be crying tears of sadness at the end of the book, too.

Doggie Biscuit would be a great book for anyone who loves animals, especially dogs. ... Read more